[INT. CHARLIE’S BEACH HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – MORNING]
Charlie is on the couch in a robe, sipping coffee. Alan rushes in wearing a slightly-too-tight suit and carrying a stack of résumés.
ALAN:
Charlie! Today’s the day. Big job interview. Please, don’t do anything weird, inappropriate, or Charlie-ish.
CHARLIE:
So basically… don’t be myself?
ALAN:
Exactly. I need this job. Benefits. Stability. A reason to leave the house that isn’t shame.
CHARLIE:
Well, when you put it like that, I’ll be on my worst behavior.
ALAN:
Best behavior.
CHARLIE:
That’s not what I said.
Jake stumbles in wearing pajama pants and mismatched socks.
JAKE:
Dad, what’s a “résumé”? Is it like a receipt for your personality?
ALAN:
Yes, Jake. It’s a receipt proving I’m employable. Which is apparently very hard to get these days.
JAKE:
Maybe they’ll hire you for your stress wrinkles. That’s like… experience, right?
[INT. KITCHEN – LATER]
Alan is rehearsing answers in front of the microwave as Charlie scrolls on his phone.
ALAN:
“I’m a team player with a strong work ethic…” No. Too desperate. “I bring value to every role…” No. Too fake. “Please hire me before I move into my ex-wife’s garage…” Realistic, but too real.
CHARLIE:
Why don’t you just tell them the truth?
ALAN:
That I live with my brother, share a bathroom with my son, and spend most days arguing with Berta over who left toothpaste in the sink?
CHARLIE:
See? You’re already selling the underdog story.
[INT. CHARLIE’S HOUSE – LATER THAT NIGHT]
Alan walks in, looking defeated.
CHARLIE:
How’d it go?
ALAN:
Well, I accidentally told the HR lady she reminded me of Judith… then I panicked and said it was a compliment.
JAKE:
So… you got the job?
ALAN:
Let’s just say… I’ll be available for lunch every day this week.
CHARLIE:
You were always too good for that company anyway.
JAKE:
Yeah, Dad. You’re way too overqualified to be employed.
TAG SCENE – [INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT]
The guys sit on the couch eating takeout. Alan sighs.
ALAN:
Maybe I’ll just freelance. Or go back to school. Or—
CHARLIE:
Alan. Stop. Breathe. Have some lo mein and embrace unemployment like a real Harper.
JAKE:
Wait… does this mean I can drop out too?
ALAN and CHARLIE:
No!
