“The One with the Psychic Girlfriend”

(Charlie is lounging on the couch with a Bloody Mary. Alan walks in with a big smile.)

ALAN:
Good morning, sunshine!

CHARLIE:
That’s rich coming from a man who wakes up every morning looking like he lost a fight with a waffle iron.

ALAN:
Laugh all you want, Charlie. I have news. I met someone last night.

CHARLIE:
What was it this time—yoga class, meditation retreat, or accidental collision in the feminine hygiene aisle?

ALAN:
None of the above! I met her at a psychic reading.

CHARLIE: (sits up, intrigued)
A psychic reading? That’s the most Alan thing I’ve ever heard. You went in for guidance and came out with a girlfriend and probably a hex.

ALAN:
Her name’s Crystal. She’s amazing. Spiritual, intuitive… and she says we were lovers in a past life.

CHARLIE:
Did she also say you died alone in that past life?

(Jake walks in, munching cereal straight from the box.)

JAKE:
Hey. Uncle Charlie, what’s a “tantric awakening”?

CHARLIE:
That’s when you realize school isn’t the only place people fake it.

ALAN:
Jake! Stop eavesdropping on grown-up conversations!

JAKE:
I wasn’t! I saw it on Crystal’s Instagram. There’s a picture of you two sitting in a yurt. You look constipated.

CHARLIE: (laughs)
Constipation is Alan’s resting face.

ALAN:
Mock all you want, but Crystal says my chakras are finally aligned.

CHARLIE:
That’s funny. Mine were aligned last night with a yoga instructor named Vanessa. No crystals required.

(Doorbell rings. Alan jumps up.)

ALAN:
That’s her! Be nice, Charlie.

(Alan opens the door. CRYSTAL walks in, flowing robes, bells on her wrists, very “new agey.”)

CRYSTAL:
Hello, everyone. The energy in this house is… chaotic.

CHARLIE:
Yeah, that’s mostly Alan. His aura’s been shedding since the Clinton administration.

CRYSTAL: (touches her temple)
I sense a strong force here… someone is struggling with unresolved karma.

CHARLIE:
That’s Jake. He still hasn’t finished his book report on “Charlotte’s Web”.

JAKE:
It’s a sad story, okay?

Scene ends with everyone staring awkwardly at Jake.

[Laugh Track]