COLD OPEN – [INT. HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM – DAY]
Alan is pacing nervously, clutching a clipboard of forms. Charlie lounges in a chair, flipping through a magazine titled “Modern Nurses.” Jake is eating vending machine Cheetos.
ALAN:
I’m telling you, Charlie, this chest pain isn’t normal. I Googled it — it could be angina, a heart murmur, or an alien parasite.
CHARLIE:
It’s called anxiety, Alan. You’re not dying. You’re just… extremely annoying to be around.
JAKE:
(to Alan)
You know, one time I had a chest pain, but it was just gas. It echoed. It was kind of awesome.
ALAN:
I’m serious! What if I keel over and no one takes me seriously?
CHARLIE:
Relax. If you keel over, I’ll poke you with a stick and film it for TikTok.
[NURSE ENTERS]
NURSE:
Alan Harper?
ALAN:
That’s me! (to Charlie) Don’t let them cremate me unless I’m confirmed dead.
[INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – LATER]
Alan is hooked up to monitors. Charlie is reclining in the visitor’s chair. A young, attractive doctor walks in.
DR. MORALES:
Mr. Harper, good news — it’s just a mild panic attack.
ALAN:
(sighs in relief)
Oh, thank goodness.
CHARLIE:
So no alien parasite?
DR. MORALES:
Not unless it’s paying rent in his head.
ALAN:
What could’ve triggered this?
CHARLIE:
Existing.
[INT. HOSPITAL CAFETERIA – SAME DAY]
Jake is double-fisting chocolate pudding cups. Berta shows up with a hospital tray.
BERTA:
What’s wrong with Alan now? Did he stub his ego?
JAKE:
Nah, panic attack. Or he finally realized his life’s a mess. Hard to tell.
BERTA:
I give him one more episode before they install a revolving door at this place.
TAG SCENE – [INT. CHARLIE’S HOUSE – NIGHT]
Alan returns home wearing a neck pillow, holding a prescription bottle like a trophy.
CHARLIE:
What’s that for?
ALAN:
Anti-anxiety meds.
CHARLIE:
Can I have one? I just spent 5 hours in a hospital with you.
