COLD OPEN – [INT. CHARLIE’S BEACH HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT]
Jake is sitting on the couch, texting and grinning. Alan walks in with a stack of unpaid bills.
ALAN:
Jake, homework first — then texting your little… Fortnite cult.
JAKE:
It’s not Fortnite, it’s Samantha. My babysitter from two summers ago. She just texted me.
CHARLIE (offscreen):
(entering with a drink)
If Samantha’s texting you, I’m either deeply impressed… or deeply disturbed.
JAKE:
She said I’ve “grown up a lot.” What does that mean?
CHARLIE:
Means I need to start locking up the tequila again.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]
ACT ONE – [INT. KITCHEN – NEXT MORNING]
Alan is cooking tofu eggs. Charlie is drinking real eggs — with vodka.
ALAN:
Did you see how confident Jake was last night? He’s becoming a man.
CHARLIE:
He’s becoming a man because a 19-year-old babysitter sent him a flirty emoji?
ALAN:
We should talk to him about boundaries.
CHARLIE:
I agree. I’ll tell him to wait until college.
ACT TWO – [INT. JAKE’S ROOM]
Jake is setting up a video call with Samantha. Charlie walks in without knocking.
CHARLIE:
Knock knock! I brought… condoms and a warning about heartbreak.
JAKE (panicking):
DUDE! She’s on the call!!
CHARLIE (to webcam):
Hey, Samantha. Charlie. I’m Jake’s uncle and emotional damage consultant.
Samantha giggles. Jake facepalms.
ACT THREE – [INT. LIVING ROOM – LATER THAT NIGHT]
Alan confronts Samantha at the door after she drops by “just to say hi.”
ALAN:
Samantha, you’re a grown woman. Jake is—well, Jake.
SAMANTHA:
Relax, Mr. Harper. I’m not interested in Jake that way.
Charlie enters, shirtless, holding wine.
CHARLIE:
But are you interested in men who can’t be trusted near pools or pianos?
TAG SCENE – [INT. CHARLIE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT]
Charlie’s phone buzzes. It’s a text from Samantha: “Nice try, old man. But I like musicians with actual talent.”
CHARLIE:
(to himself)
Should’ve said I was in Coldplay.
