Charlie is sipping coffee in his silk robe. Jake is eating cereal straight from the box. Alan walks in, way too enthusiastic.
ALAN:
Morning, family! Big news!
CHARLIE:
Let me guess. You finally figured out how to use deodorant properly?
JAKE:
Or you finally gave up and joined a cult?
ALAN:
Very funny. No. I hired a life coach!
CHARLIE:
(to Jake)
So… a cult.
JAKE:
Do they make you wear robes and chant “I’m special” in a circle?
ALAN:
You two mock, but Coach Trevor says my energy is completely blocked by toxic influences.
CHARLIE:
Oh, I totally get that. You’ve been living next to a toxic influence for years — it’s called your reflection.
ALAN:
(ignoring him)
From now on, I only allow positivity in my space. That means no more criticism, sarcasm, or emotional vampires.
JAKE:
So… are you moving out?
CHARLIE:
Please say yes. My vibe is begging for this.
[INT. CHARLIE’S LIVING ROOM – LATER THAT DAY]
Trevor, the “life coach,” arrives. He’s a tall, overly tan guy with a man bun, beads, and a voice like a late-night meditation tape.
TREVOR:
Namaste, brothers. I sense… resistance in this home.
CHARLIE:
Yeah, that’s the smell of desperation and overcooked lentils.
TREVOR:
Let’s cleanse the space of negative energy.
Trevor pulls out a small gong and begins chanting. Jake stares at him.
JAKE:
Dude, are you about to summon a dragon or just really bad gas?
[INT. KITCHEN – NIGHT]
Alan sits on the floor in yoga pose, meditating. Charlie drops ice cubes in his shirt while he hums.
ALAN:
Charlie! I’m trying to center my chakra!
CHARLIE:
Your “chakra” lives in your spine and drives a Kia. Relax.
ALAN:
You just don’t understand the new me.
CHARLIE:
Oh, I understand. You’re still broke, awkward, and now you’re weird and broke. At least before, it was just sad.
[TAG SCENE – LIVING ROOM]
Trevor is doing headstands. Jake films him on his phone.
JAKE:
If I post this with the caption “Yoga cult loses balance,” I bet I’ll go viral.
CHARLIE:
Make sure you spell “cult” right. We wouldn’t want anyone to think he’s normal.
